Breaking up is hard to do

A solicitor is one of the first people to be contacted when a couple separates. When that phone call is received, he/she knows that two adults are ending their relationship, and any children they have are going to be innocent parties caught up in the family break-up.

Emotions such as anger, disappointment, resentment, denial, and other negative feelings will be running high and hindering a sensible approach to the immediate issues.

There could be unhelpful action arising from these emotions, such as rows, blame, and bad-mouthing the other, either in front of the other party or behind their back.

Tension

All of this leads to unhealthy tension, and the solicitor knows it will be weeks before full instructions are given, and months before there will be an opportunity to deal with the issues.

Even when a court does hear the case, issues can arise after the hearing, and if there is a shortage of goodwill, in practice this could be damaging for the children.

A mediator could also be one of the first to receive that call, and might be able to see the couple quickly before relations deteriorate.

Mediation and beyond

Hence, as a practising mediator and retired solicitor, I have drawn up guidelines to present to the couple immediately, and I suggest that they refer to them regularly, during the mediation and beyond. Any ignoring of the guidelines will be dealt with in the mediation itself.

Alarm bells ring when behaviour that is all about their own interests is described as being ‘done for the kids’.

Rock-a-bye baby

At this difficult time, it is important to be aware that the hardship has already started, including the impact on the children, and these ‘children’s charter’ guidelines are for the adults to do the best for their children. The sequence for the parents is:

• Talking to each other, perhaps with the use of mediation,
• Telling the children that they are separating and dealing with the issues that they raise with them,
• Preparing a joint statement to them (see below in greater detail), and explaining that their needs will be foremost in the parents’ minds, and
• Returning to mediation if needed.

Something to talk about

Co-parenting – the most important part of separating is co-parenting the children. This will involve discussing arrangements and issues, and deciding when and how to tell the children.

It is best to do this when a plan is in place for living separately, including a timetable providing for where the children will spend their time, and see both of their parents.

Communication – while parents need to meet at the outset, they simply may be unable to do so. A shuttle mediation can be used, whereby they see the mediator separately, either on different days or at different times at the same session, with the mediator shuttling between two rooms.

That may involve emails being sent to the mediator and for him or her to negotiate between the parents.

Once agreement is reached, further ongoing communication is needed:

• Emails, if lengthy; texting, if shorter and more immediate, unless the parents can handle phone calls calmly and constructively,
• Avoiding communication in front of the children unless very light; instead, making time to see each other elsewhere to discuss co-parenting, and
• If talking face-to-face doesn’t work, and neither do phone calls, beware of the texts or emails turning nasty. In mediation, I suggest that both agree that either party may copy the mediator if they deem the contact to be toxic. This usually results in the toning down of such behaviour.

Movin’ on

Once an arrangement is in place to live separately, including the unique temporary arrangement of doing so in the same house, a timetable should be drawn up to see the children, and parents should pay attention to:

• Having a clear understanding of hand-
  overs, collection and transport arrangements,
• Agreeing that each child shall sleep alone in their own bed – if anyone else other than the parent is to be in that house, even temporarily, this needs to be discussed,
• Agreeing that if any child wants to contact one parent while with the other, that is in order,
• It may be agreed that the children spend most of their time with one parent, and if that becomes or remains their home, it could help if that parent would allow the other to spend time there, with them vacating during those times (this is called ‘the cuckoo’s nest’, but will not suit every couple),
• Each of the parties should try and give equal time to each child, including alone time with each, and
• Sometimes it happens that a second home is very close to the family home, such as a house in the grounds of the other, which might be necessitated by finance. Depending on the age of the children, it might not be suitable for them seeing their parent passing by, and not coming to see them. In such a situation, they should stick to the timetable even more so, and don’t allow the children to run out and choose one parent over the other on a whim. 

Remember: custody of children is not a property-owning exercise. Also bear in mind that boundaries are essential in the context of handovers, and respecting the other’s new living arrangements.

Human touch

Family time – there will be special occasions, such as birthdays and so on, where it would be beneficial to spend an amount of time together, but not if the tension would have an adverse effect on the children.

There is a way of dealing with Christmas Day, splitting it to spend time in both places. The more time parents can spend together amicably, the better for the children, including at handovers, but the reverse applies.

If the early days are fraught, it should be kept to a minimum, and parents should aspire to share a meal at some handovers, being civil to each other and showing that they don’t demonise the other. Any rows, bad-mouthing or criticism of the other, either in front of the children or to them when alone, are to be avoided as a priority.

Extended families

Extended families – it is important to normalise the break-up as much as possible, and that would include making access to extended families continue as much as possible.

New relationships – sometimes a third party can be at the centre of a break-up, or enter one or other’s lives afterwards.

Depending on the age of the children, there should be honest disclosure on a joint basis and any questions answered after that. Agreement should be reached to tell each other about a new person before telling the children, and a time limit should be agreed upon as to when and how to tell them.

Cohabiting with another person needs dialogue between parents, and generally there is nothing to be gained by introducing a new person until absolutely necessary.

Therapy – each parent could be considering one-to-one therapy, and/or a good therapist could see both as a separating couple needing help to handle co-parenting. Also, a child and family therapist could be used who could also deal directly with the children.

Tell the truth

After all the necessary discussions to effect the break-up, including making financial arrangements, it is time to arrange telling the children (bearing in mind what has been stated here already).

There are books and articles to be consulted. After due discussions, a united statement could be made to them by both parents. This should be close to the time of moving out, but not too close – maybe between two and four weeks beforehand.

Parents should arrange how to do so, and whether the children need to be told individually or together. What they can actually tell them will depend on their age. Parents should explain what has happened, briefly, and make it all about the children’s future.

Parent’s love

Children should be told that the parents’ love for them is as it has always been, and they will be well looked after; that there is not any financial difficulty arising from two homes and so on, and that they will respect family time and the issues referred to above.

If any questions arise, parents should answer as best they can. They should try to sit with each child, for a one-to-one for each parent with each child, to see whether things come up and, if they don’t, parents should gently ask if there is anything they are worried about. This should be done soon after the announcement, and parents should:

• Be available regularly after that to repeat that process in case something comes up after they have had time for reflection,
• Encourage them to tell you how they feel,
• Not tell them that they, as children, are not equipped to deal with their feelings,
• Give a verbal commitment that they will always try and protect them from any hostility, that there will be no bad-mouthing or criticism of the other parent and, if there is, that they should tell the other person, whereupon it will be dealt with away from them, and

Not ask children to carry communication from one parent to the other.

Come together

Each parent should make a list of what they want said to the children, compare the lists, and consider all recommendations above before arriving at an agreed statement. It need not be delivered as a written statement, but could be written for their own use and then synopsised for them.

Taking the above points in the order they appear, possible matters to include are: a timetable, communication, living arrangements, family time, extended families, new relationships (can be deferred until one exists), availability of therapy, the parents’ love for them, their commitment to their well-being indefinitely, and that finances are dealt with.

Questions are encouraged, and time with each parent for each child is guaranteed. Expression of their feelings is welcomed, and they are not to be concerned about their parents’ feelings.

Bad-mouthing

Most of all, explain that both parents aspire to harmony and not bad-mouthing or criticising each other.

Note: the above is for guidance only, and is not intended to provide legal advice.